So you hear about this movie, and it has a ton of great actors in it… Antonio, Michael Douglas, Ewin Macgregor, The british guy in Inglorious Bastards (the whole movie I just looked at him and kept saying “common old chap and god save the queen”).
Then you hear the plot… an agent is double crossed and must work her way back to find out who did it.
Plus all of the previews before the movie were awesome. So I am thinking at this point how could this movie be anything but awesome? Expendable 2 was on there..(this will come into play later but you don’t get more mainstream than that)
Well there is where everything goes haywire (Pun intended and all have you know the pun is one of the oldest and best forms of humor!!!) Let’s just sum my entire rant to this. Bad. Bad, bad, bad. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddd.
Anyways.. the actress in the movie is not totally to blame, although her monotone voice and lifeless expressions don’t help the situation at all. I am probably one of the few who actually remember Crush from American Gladiators (the newer version). So I was familiar with her work. She had more character in AG than in this movie. I am not quick to blame the actress though. I blame the director and writing. First off all of the lines of dialogue (what little there were, but we will get to that later) were bad. Really bad. Like at one point she says “oh here are the leo’s” and her hostage partner guy says ” Leos”? To which she replies “Law Enforcement Officers”…. Then the next scene he just calls them “cops” I mean really… like 10% of the dialogue in the movie involved an acronym that was never again used! Also I think the director was like “hey crush, baby doll, be cold and monotone so that you look so bad ass” That didn’t work and directors should say things like “baby doll”.
Ok on to this lack of dialogue thing. No.. That will have to be another post because there is too much anger there. I’ll just say one thing… stop trying to force a movie to be “artsy” by having long stretches without dialogue. Take a cue from Quinten Tarantino and the greatest man ever made, JOSS WHEADON. They have amazing dialogue and their films still have art.
So let’s end this on a positive note. (I apologize that his is so long) Here is a letter that I wrote to the movie:
Dear Haywire,
You had amazing talent and potential, and I actually enjoyed the experience of watching you, but it was only because I was making fun of you the whole time. Laughing AT you and not WITH you, as it were. Someone had to tell you. It very much felt like you wasted everything you had by trying to be artsy and indie. I know “mainstream” is such a terrible thing these days and you probably think that “I just didn’t get it” and that is ok. I forgive you…But stop.. just stop.
Love, Nathan
p.s. An artsy film that sucks, guess what? It STILL sucks
p.s.s. You are still better than Martha Marcy Mae Marlene. So you have that going for ya.
